The High Cost of Losing You.

I was having an interesting chat with one of my girlfriends earlier and we spoke about things we could have done in the past but we didn’t because of our partner’s resistance towards it.  Lately, I have been giving this a lot of thought seeing as I see a lot of people around me who lessen, squash or subdue themselves because they are in relationships and Lord knows I was the poster child for this in both of my long term relationships (who I found out and learned about were narcissists, after the fact.. so, that explains a lot and is perhaps a story for another time.)

So, what am I talking about here.   Let me start with an example from my own experience.   My first long term relationship was nearly 7 years long.  During this time, I was very young and just learning and growing into the woman I was to become.  If you’re with the right person.. this can be quite beautiful and your potential is endless.  If you’re not.. well, that’s an entirely different story.   It will impede your growth and stomp out your potential and dreams and the most devastating part, it will crush your spirit.  Nearly 20 years ago, I was in modelling school and about 100lbs lighter and had the opportunity to go to New York city for a show.   It was really exciting and scary!! I couldn’t wait to tell my partner.   His response?  He shut it down immediately.   He clearly vocalized his disapproval towards my decision and proceeded to cut me up and tell me that since I have been into the modelling thing, I have been nothing but full of myself with a huge attitude problem.   Needless to say,  I did not go.  I did not want to receive the push back from him and I was incredibly disheartened and lost what little confidence and assertiveness I gained in that short time.    Fast forward to the end of that relationship.  I started doing things for me.  I quit my job, I went to Europe for 5 weeks, I enrolled myself into University.  Things were SO great and I was finally doing things for ME!  I was happy, expressive, living my life and growing in the direction that I wanted to.  I felt free.  I felt good.

Then I did that thing that some of us often do.. because we fall back into emotions and old patterns quite easily.  I got back together with him..  And it was it incredibly shit.    Not only that, but I was already in a fragile state in that moment and it sent my self esteem crashing to the ground.    It didn’t help when in the end, he cheated on me and got some young girl pregnant.   So, here is me..  thinking “Fuck that guy and his grossness! I am a strong WOMAN!!”  and I did things that I thought were strong and independent.     That was just an illusion… because those wounds that allowed me to choose someone like him were still there.   I was insecure, vulnerable, had zero boundaries, self worth, the list goes on and on.  If you asked me this back then, I would have laughed in your face.  I believed I was strong, self confident, independent and that I valued myself.    And maybe part of me started to wake up and stick up for myself because by 30, I started shutting people out of my life who were not contributing to my growth and only caused me pain and heart ache… but not enough, because I let someone in who destroyed me in so many ways I never even knew were possible.   You know when they say when one door closes another one opens?  Well, it was very true in my case.  I slammed the door shut on one thing and the door opened literally a week later.  Universe was probably punishing me for my stupid decisions.. haha but that’s okay.  I don’t regret it for it was in my destruction that I truly learned the most and was able to be at the bottom and SEE all the problems.  They were there staring straight at me and I could no longer hide.   I could sit here and blame someone who was the most vile and hurtful monster towards me..  but the truth is, you have to stop and think, what’s wrong with me to ALLOW someone to treat me in such a way?  Yes, I am fully aware of gas lighting and trauma bonding, etc… and all those wonderful things as to the reasons why we “stay” in such toxic and abusive relationships, and I will never victim blame someone who is in this situation.  I understand fully and completely why you’re still there.   (On a side note, if you are in a situation like this, please know that there is help and there IS a way out and I promise you it gets better.  Feel free to message me if you need to talk or need support and resources.)  …. but that isn’t what we’re talking about here.   I’m talking about the beginning.   The start.   The red flags were all there.   I didn’t spot them.  I didn’t know them.  I wasn’t schooled in narcissism and didn’t understand the importance and relevance of deal breakers and how to spot them and weed them out.   You see… I was so much in need of love that I ignored every single one of them and was completely pulled in by the love bombing stage.  For those who have  been with these disordered types, you know the drill.   The idealization phase.   They dedicate every minute of their days to you.  Spend every minute with you, they want to dominate your time.  It’s a complete take over.   Texts all day, they chauffeur you all over,  fill you with compliments, gifts, notes, etc.  and put you high on a pedestal.. etc etc.  Then they pull some stunts.. disordered stunts.. to see how much you will tolerate and test your boundaries, etc.   They will prey on your empathetic nature.  You, naturally, want to help them.. you want to save them and have zero boundaries.   This is a green light for them.  Hook, line and sinker.
Anyway, fast forward to this shit show I got snagged into SO quickly that I literally had NO idea what was happening, until it was too late.   What happened then?  Well, I gave up studying, I gave up learning, I gave up on sports, I gave up on travelling and reading and meeting new people and doing so many things.  I gave up on me.  When you’re with people with such wounded egos, make no mistake, there is literally zero space for you.   You can definitely do your own thing so long as it fits into their schedule and constraints and god forbid you want to compromise.  Compromise is a word that simply does not exist their lexicon.

Why am I sharing all this? Well, whether you are in a relationship as toxic as I was or only mildly toxic or perhaps it is a job or your family or your circle of friends. Whatever it is,  when we do not focus and heal our inner shit, we will continually allow these things to mute us.  We will never ever live authentically and true to your soul’s calling and inner desires, needs and wants because we will always be side stepping our own selves for the other cause.  That does not make you a martyr.  Let me say that again.. with more conviction.. in case you didn’t grasp that the first time around.  That does not make you a martyr.  Nope.    It makes you complacent in your own story.  It makes you the supporting actor in your own life when you should be the protagonist.   You will follow the leader and do things that others do.  Hop from one thing to another, not finding your space.   You will cut out things from you life because of other things that suddenly take up more space in your life.  Don’t get me wrong.. sometimes that will happen.  When is it okay for this to happen?  When the thing that happens is important to you.  Truly important, meaningful and intrinsic to who you are to your very core.  This can be anything from someone falling ill or the birth of a baby.  Etc..  Sometimes life happens and great grief or great joy can carry such responsibilities as is expected.  Though these things will require you to put your own needs aside from time to time, you are still required to put yourself FIRST and meet your own needs.  SELF CARE IS NOT SELFISH.  Remember that.  It is truly the most important thing you will ever learn and know.

But these are not the things I speak of.     How many times have you made plans or bucket lists that you really wanted to do and were super important to you.. maybe they’re your dreams, your hopes, achievements you want to add to your résumé.. whatever it may be, are you putting them aside for someone else’s plans that were never your plans to begin with?  Things just don’t pop up  (Illness excluded).  We allow things to pop up. We allow them to kibosh our plans, we allow our dreams to be halted or put on hold indefinitely.  We let this happen.   Why do we let this happen?    I’ll tell you why.

Because you are not choosing you.

Every day we are inundated with choices.  What are you going to wear?  Eat?  What route will you take? Should I read this? Buy this?  Listen to this? Hrmm.. SO many choices!!  Some may be more difficult than others but throughout all of this, one of those choices should always be a constant.  You should always be choosing you.  Every single day, choose you.  When you’re unsure of what the outcome will be, choose you.  If you’re scared and wavering, still choose you.  Especially then.  Choose you.  You must choose you if you want to contribute to your growth and true happiness.

We are taught that being selfless and giving is what makes you a kind and good person.  That you need to be kind and compassionate and that if someone is bad, our love and compassion can save them. Which I’m here to tell you is a bunch of bullshit.   Don’t get me wrong,  I am a HUGE supporter of kindness and compassion and advocate for it all the time.  I think it is vital and encoded in our souls in order for us to succeed, grow and exist. Love is the answer!  I firmly believe this with all of my being.   BUT.. and there is a huge but, discernment is ALSO very important.  Without discernment, we might as well all be lemmings and jump blindly off a cliff.   Discernment is important for self preservation and your ability to judge whether something is beneficial to you or not, is extremely important.  If there is a flame,  you can sit here and say “Gosh, this flame is beautiful .. it warms my hands and the light is nice to look at.”  but if that flame burns your hand, do you take your hand out of the flame or do you continue to keep your hands in the flame?   We are often taught to withstand pain, humiliation, torture and all sorts of bad things as if they’re good things and good aspects of us.  This could be because you was raised Roman Catholic like myself,  or perhaps because of a parent… could be a variety of reasons.   The truth is, NONE of that is true or healthy.. or okay.. or acceptable.   Living your life in one giant act of self flagellation is completely horrendous, painful, sad, oppressive, stifling and abusive to your own self.

The problem is, we aren’t always necessarily aware that we’re doing this.   We like to think we are good people.  We were programmed or predisposed to this kind of wiring and behaviors because of our upbringing.  The first step to fixing this is to recognize it.  You know exactly how to do this.   For every time you’ve minimized yourself for someone or something else, that feeling you had in the pit of your stomach that you were not standing in your truth.  You know that feeling.  You know it well.  I do not need to explain it to you or describe it.  You already know what I’m talking about.    But we aren’t taught to listen to those feelings and our intuition, which is our first mistake.  Listen to it, my beautiful souls.   Listen to it, for it is your most important compass.

Then the next step is to pause.

You need to take a moment to be still.  In your thoughts.  Being alone is super important and conducive to your own healing.   In some cases, it may not be possible but do make time to be alone to retreat into you so that you can focus and listen.    For it is in this quiet and time of solitude that you can finally hear you.  You can see clearly.  Then you can act.   Find your wounds.  Stick your hands so deep inside of them and squeeze them so tight.. see them for what they really are. Honour them.  Love them for shaping you into who you are… and then take the time to heal them, and then let them go.   It is imperative that you do the self work if you want to overcome this.  This requires you to go within.  The answers are not out there.  The answers are not in another diet, another job, another boyfriend or girlfriend, a baby, a new dress, another home, or any other thing you can conceive.   The answers lay within.  And I’ll warn you.. it will be messy.  It will be HARD.  It will be full of grief and so many other unpleasant and extremely uncomfortable things.  But one thing is for sure.  It will be worth it.  It will be the most worth it thing in your entire life.  I promise you this.  You will find true joy within.  For you will finally find you.   It will be a time to celebrate you.   What others say or do won’t matter anymore.  You will finally learn and feel what autonomy is.   Most importantly, you will finally choose you in your decisions.  You won’t compromise or reduce your self for anyone else ever again. It will feel great.  It will feel empowering.   It will feel right.  It will feel SO much lighter. It will feel freer.  It won’t just feel all those things… it will BE all those things.  because you will finally BE YOU.  and that’s a pretty damn great thing to be!  🙂

In a world where we have to pay for constant needless distractions incessantly,  not choosing you comes at too high of a cost.

I love you all so much. Peace, love & light my dear souls. :)))
~G. .xoxo.

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Transformations.

signs-of-spiritual-transformation

 

please excuse the mess.   the person you are trying to reach, is no longer in service.   she is in a cocoon.  she is completely changing her form..  from something stagnant, broken and worn.. into something grand, flowing, moving, bright, beautiful and poetic.   you see..  it is when it all crashes and burns that the phoenix can rise from the flames.   she has learned things about herself that she never even knew existed within her.   she is the light.   she is the good you want to see in this world.  she is warmth.  she is love.  she is pure love.

she is a lightworker.  she is a healer.

she is reborn.

Bikini Ready Bodies.

So, I’m going on vacation in T-minus 25 days.  I’m going to California.  The land of plastic surgery and skinny bods.  Me and my sister were thinking of dropping some poundage before our trip.. but as I sit here sipping my coffee and munching on some Cadbury fingers cookies,  I think to myself, I really have no desire to start some binge dieting so that I can look semi-acceptable to someone else’s eyeballs.  Yes, of course I want to be healthier and all that jazz.  However, I don’t want to set these unrealistic expectations and time limits on myself and most importantly, for the goal for this endeavor to be ‘to look OK in a bathing suit‘.   I have news for you.  I already look OK in my bathing suit.  Anyone who has issues with that needs to avert their gaze and perhaps turn them inwards to the person they really think isn’t looking up to par. 

Being a bigger girl, I have constantly had people talk about “larger” women and say “look what she is wearing!”  and things like “should she be wearing that?”  or the ever so famous “people should dress for their body type”.   Don’t get me wrong.  I’ll be the first to comment on what people are wearing.  That’s because I believe modesty has seem to gone the way of the dinosaurs.  Less is More seems to be the norm nowadays and the half naked peeps always get a stare from me.  I saw I post the other day that made me giggle.  It said “Call me old fashioned, but I believe that shorts should be longer than your vagina.”  Anyway, as I go off topic as I normally tend to do, my point is.. my comments are aimed at everyone.  Fit, thin, big, average or whatever.  Maybe that’s my prudish demi ways shining through at those moments, but I do think there is no need to show off all your bits and pieces in public.  But what do I know. 

SO, back to my first thought… at first glance, the girls they are commenting on are usually smaller than me, or my size or maybe sometimes slightly larger than me.  I give the person I’m chatting with a look and say “umm.. I’m that size too”.. and they’ll make a quick comment like “oh, but you’re very proportioned and don’t look anything like that. You look good girl!”.. Because suddenly that’s supposed to make me feel better?  There are other bigger women who bash bigger women too and say “i wouldn’t be caught dead in that. gross!” .. well, that’s great.. dress how you feel comfortable.   Don’t bash someone else because they wanna wear something fitted and they have rolls.  Maybe if they wore a burlap sac it would make everyone feel less uncomfortable…?   

Everyone knows that hate for people’s physical appearances stems from their own inner feelings.  Well, if everyone doesn’t know.. they should know.  So basically.. if you’re calling someone a “fatty” and making fun, the chances that you have some deep seeded personal self worth/value/image issues, is quite high.  Sorry to break it to you.  It doesn’t make me feel bad.  I just feel bad for you and feel grateful that I’m not ugly like that.  Just remember that.

So, bikini bodies.  Let me tell you..  we have come A LONG WAY in terms of what’s available now for us plus size girlies out there.  So much, that I’m actually going to BUY ONE myself! and wear it!  Yes. I said that.  I haven’t worn a bikini in YEARS.. since i was 8-9 I think.  To think of it, it makes me really sad that I can remember being 9 and self conscious of my body.  How horrible is that?  I wish I could hug my little 9 year old self and tell her she was beautiful and not a tubby.  Aww…     But it wasn’t mostly cuz I didn’t like my body.  Most bikinis did very little to hold in my boobs or even my butt and were made to be very..err.. let’s just say.. “exposed”.. Going back to my modesty comments.. I’m not one for much exposure and I tend to think that bathing suits are much sexier than a wee bikini.   I mean that.  Some of those suits are hella hot and you’re not all exposed.  Sometimes being covered.. *cough*most times*cough*  can be highly attractive and sexy.  But once again, what do I know..     But the day of the skimpy bikinis has changed!! There are LOADS of bikinis available out there now that are NOT little itty bitty pieces of strings and are actually hella cute and adorable!! They are SO awesome that I totally have to buy one.    Here’s a bunch of links for you to check out if you want to try out a bikini this year.  And you totally should. 🙂   — i apologize in advance for the lack of photos in this post.. as I am still trying to figure out how to work this page.  My blogger site was much easier to handle–

– Check out the Militant Baker’s blog with a bikini review.   It’s amazing and has lots of pix:
  The Militant Baker: 18 FATKINIS FOR ULTIMATE SUMMER BABLINESS

Forever 21 has some cute bikini and full bathing suit styles too.

TORRID also has a bunch of cute styles and separates. 

– Addionelle has a couple of bikini options. 
I have bought a strapless bikini from them before and they make beautiful suits.

– ASOS has lots available.

– I’m not familiar with this page.. but they have a HUGE selection of bikinis!  You should go check it out:
  Swimsuits for All

Here’s the one I really wanted to try out..  Cuz I have a tight budget.. considering I’m going on vacation soon and I’m moving soon.   So, this is totally within my budget.. AND incredibly cute!!!  Plus, the name sold me.. (Any Step Brothers fans in the house?? haa)
But unfortunately, they are out of stock in my size.  Maybe I will try a different print.  I did have my heart set on that polka dot one..

I’ll be sure to post pictures of me on my vacation in this swimsuit and others. 🙂

As a final reminder everyone, LOVE your body and all of you no matter what.  Try to step out of your comfort zone sometimes.  Don’t worry about what other people think. Ever.  The most important person who matters, when it comes to what they think about you, is YOU, yourself and nobody else. Trust me on this one.  Once you learn this and live it, you will be MUCH happier. 🙂    Bikini ready body is ANYTIME.  Go out there and enjoy yourself and feel happy and comfortable in your skin.  It’s yours and no one else’s.

Peace&Love.
~G.xoxo.

 

Eff Your Beauty Standards

I’m writing this post because I saw something today that sparked a bit of an outrage in me and I decided today was the day.  Today was the day I will speak and have my voice be heard.  Today is the day I will cause a stir.. a ripple affect to hopefully something bigger.  I’m fed up and totally and completely appalled at the way us human beings view things.  But most importantly, view ourselves.  OK, so, before I get on my soap box and start ranting and raving, let me tell you about the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I follow this very beautiful and stunning women who was a plus sized model.  She is beautiful inside and out.  She was an advocate for women’s beauty standards and was strong, confident and always boasted that beauty was in any size.   So I thought.  Recently, she has lost a lot of weight.  Great!  Good for her!  She claimed she was eating clean and that’s how she was dropping the weight. Fantastic!  Having done sugar fasts and various cleanses and having a background in nutrition, I know that clean eating and omitting processed foods and sugar, have a huge impact on your health in so many ways.  OK, so fast forward to today.. where she reveals that her weight loss is attributed to consuming nearly half the amount of what your daily calorie intake should be and hitting the gym.  Now, I didn’t need my fitness and nutrition background to have me know that cutting your daily calorie intake in half isn’t really sufficient for an adult woman, or anyone for that matter.  Especially when you up your physical activity.  Sufficient calorie intake is so vital for the daily functions of your body.  Every single person would shed a huge amount of weight if you deprived yourself of that many calories and started working out every day.  That’s obvious.    But here’s my problem with this situation.

Everyone knows dieting is bad for you.  It’s a temporary solution with long term repercussions.  I had an eating disorder when I was younger, I can tell you first hand, cutting calories drastically and working out will make you become thin fast, but it will also make you gain all the weight back and then some.  On top of that, it will contribute to other health issues.  Yo-yo dieting is terrible for your heart health and not to mention, your self esteem.   But that isn’t the only issue here.  Every one of her fans were complimenting her on her new figure and how gorgeous she looked and how they needed to try this out immediately to shed weight.  So.. you’re asking, who the hell cares what some other girl does.   It’s none of your business so long as she feels good.  Right?  Well, maybe.   But it kinda is my business.   Being in the limelight automatically makes you a voice, a role model and passer of messages, etc.  I’m sure you all know what I mean by this.  In a society already inundated with messages of thin being the desirable achievement, having one more person sending out those kinds of messages kinda concern me.  Kinda makes me cringe… kinda makes me think, oh crap,  here we go again.

Here’s what they DON’T tell you.   Here’s what many of my friends and family, and myself included, will tell you.  When you’re obsessed with the size of your jeans and the number on your scale, then ultimately, it means that your exterior is your motivation on how you feel about yourself.  It is the goal of your mission.  It is the be all and end all.   It’s the way you gauge your self worth and beauty.   And THIS is the problem.   If you equate shedding weight and being ideal sized to beauty, self worth and acceptance, then that’s a really big problem whether you admit it or not.   You may try to deny it all you want, but it was the same for me.  For my friends.  For so many people I know.   At my thinnest.. I had my parents telling me to eat because I was looking ill to them.  But I didn’t feel thin.  In fact, I felt so huge and fat back then.  I’m much heavier now and I feel way more confident now and attractive than I did then.  I look at those photos and think to myself, “holy crap.. was I ever thin? How did I think I was so fat???”  And it has nothing to do with loving my “fat body” better than my thin body.. and EVERYTHING to do with loving ME.    So, I’m going off topic again as I usually do.  Back to our model.  How does this affect me?   Well,  I enjoy seeing strong role models for young women out there.  It makes me feel happy and relieved that we have various shapes and sizes with truly important and strong messages they send to our young impressionable ladies.  Or men.     Now someone drops weight, in a maybe not so conventional quick way, and it garners them so much attention and celebration.  The same happened with Kelly Osbourne.  Just to be clear, I am NOT hating or bashing weight loss.   This isn’t a personal attack on her and her weight loss journey and achievements.  What I am bashing is, the amount of celebration and positive reinforcement that weight loss receives!  Even when I’ve done cleanses in the past and shed some weight, I was feeling fantastic on the inside.  The weight loss wasn’t the reason for my cleanse but it seemed to be the ONLY part that got everyone’s attention and complimenting me.  It made me kinda sad.  Health and feelings were never ever important to anyone else.  It was the weight loss.. the desire to be thin and want thin and look thin and ACHIEVE THIN that was the constant in everything.

The bottom line is that our society equates and celebrates THIN  with beautiful and healthy.  When thin definitely does not mean healthy and it should not be the standard of what beauty is.  There are SO many initiatives done to change this idea but the truth is, it hasn’t changed one bit.  In fact, I think it’s gotten worse.

It makes me sad when tons of my friends who are already so slim, think they’re too fat and are on diets and constantly trying to shed pounds and do not see themselves as attractive, beautiful and worthy women.  For what?  How do you not feel beautiful in your skin?   Why are people so brainwashed to think they are not good enough or attractive or acceptable?   What made them feel this way?  So horrible and ugly?  Well, this is what I have to say to that:  YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND ATTRACTIVE AND WAY BEYOND ACCEPTABLE.  But it is only up to you to believe that.  And no amount of dieting or bikini ready bods are going to make you feel that way.. in fact, a lot of times, it kinda may make you feel worse and more self conscious.

So, what’s my purpose here?  Well,  I’m tired of this idea that fat is unhealthy.  Fat is gross. Fat is ugly. Fat is unacceptable.  Fat is not good enough.  FAT SHAMING  or ANY BODY SHAMING for that matter is seriously the gross thing here.  Your health starts with your mental health and inner being   You must first accept and love yourself and feel you are beautiful at whatever size you are!  This isn’t about shaming thin girls and telling them to “go eat a burger” either.  Some people are naturally thin too! And they’re just as beautiful and need to love themselves as well.   This isn’t about one being better than the other.  This isn’t about celebrating obesity and saying obese is gorgeous.   But THIN DOES NOT EQUAL THE BEAUTY STANDARD AND NOR DOES IT EQUAL HEALTHY.  This is a sick and twisted idea that needs to go away already.  And everyone needs to start accepting themselves and loving themselves FIRST AND FOREMOST.  🙂

I’ll start with me.  I took this picture of me this morning when I woke up.
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This is my chunky self in all my glory.  All sunburnt, in my pj’s, all my junk hanging out, with bed head and all other grand things.  I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of me.  I wear a bathing suit in public and I don’t care if that sickens or offends you.  I absolutely accept and love myself.  I don’t think I’m “gross”  or “unacceptable”.   I think I’m lovely and attractive and fabulous.  I’m healthy and I’m happy.  I take steps to better myself constantly.   I refuse to body shame myself because of someone else’s standard but most importantly, because of MY standard.

If you want to be fit and run and work out and be healthy and all these things then go for it.  I am not, by any means, bashing that.   Being fit and healthy is awesome.  Your body works better, your insides run better, your mind runs better, etc.    But if the reason for your works outs is because you don’t like your body, then I have news for you.  You will never be good enough for you or love yourself or think you’re hot and attractive and sexy and acceptable.  Accept who you are.  Love  who you are.  All of you.  100%.   Improve things you’re maybe not the happiest with.  But NEVER EVER hate or despise yourself because of your belly, arms, thighs, butt, hips, jeans size, number on a scale, or chest size even.  Do not equate any of that with beauty, acceptance, self worth, your value. PERIOD.   LOVE YOURSELF NOW.  LOVE YOURSELF ALL, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY.  And if you don’t.. START DOING IT NOW.  Don’t wait for your weight to be right or perfect.  Stop body shaming others. Stop body shaming yourself!!   Start being happy what you’ve got and flaunt it and be proud of the perfection that is uniquely you!!!  Replace negative back talk with positive affirmations.  Be your biggest fan and give yourself compliments.  Seriously.. it works.  :))

So, now that I’m done ranting and raving…  I seriously hope that I can start a better pattern of self acceptance and self love over here.  Where body shaming and lowered self worth can hopefully be diminished, if not, completely eliminated.  In a perfect world, right?  🙂  Baby steps..

Have an awesome day! :)))
Peace, love & light:
~G. xoxo.

 

( “eff your beauty standards” is not mine and is taken from plus size model Tess Munster.  Visit her page here: http://tessmunster.com/ )